--1--
There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.
--2--
In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.
--3--
Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.
--4--
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
--5--
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
--1--
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
--2--
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
--3--
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.
--4--
If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?
--5--
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year
--6--
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure
--7--
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
--8--
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
--9--
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
--10--
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
--1--
He who laughs last is generally the last one to get the joke.
- Terry Cohen
--2--
A social study has concluded that a woman's ultimate fantasy is having two men at a time! In the fantasy, one cooks while the other cleans the house. Hehehe.--3--
Don't be unhappy if all your dreams never come true, just be thankful that your nightmares don't too.--4--
Can you imagine a world without men? No crimes and lots of happy fat women!
- Nicole Hollander
--5--
It is a scientific fact that 1 out of 3 people is ugly. Look at the person at your left and right. If they are good looking, you're in big trouble!
--6--
Sometimes, I feel like a cup of coffee. A little bitter, a little sweet, but oh so hot!
--7--
I hate liquor and I hate men. To me, they are my enemies! But then again, God said, "Love your enemies." So, what can I do? Disobey God? Amen.
--8--
Difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit and not a vegetable. Wisdom is knowing not to include it in a fruit salad.
--9--
Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones to make! Try a different one each day!
--10--
You're driving a car at steady speed. On your left is a drop off and on your right is a fire engine going at same speed you are. In front is a galloping horse the same size as your car so you can't overtake. Behind is a galloping zebra. What must you do to get out of this dangerous situation? Get off the Merry-Go-Round!
--1--
Lito Lapid: Why did you write me such a long speech? The people were bored. Secretary: Sir, I gave you a 20-minute speech, plus the two duplicate copies you wanted. --2--
Doctor: 6 months na lang ang buhay mo! Mag-asawa ka na ng pangit at bungangera. Lalaki: Gagaling ba ako?
Doctor: Hind, pero at least, gugustuhin mo nang mamatay.
--3--
I was once asked by a curious 4 year old boy. A question that made my jaw drop and leave me puzzled till this time. The boy said, "Ano po ang animal sound ng giraffe?" --4--
Ngayong valentine's day: Blue roses for lovers, white chocolates for crushes, pink balloons for friendships. Most of all, for loveless, red... Redhorse! --5--
Patient: Magkano ang magpaface-lift? Doctor: Complete treatment, P145000.
Patient: Ang mahal! Ano ba ang pinakamurang treatment para magmukha akong bata?
Doktor: Eto, tsupon, P20 lang.
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